Jilly Wootton“How did I not see what I was putting up with?’ said a client when she recognised how a work colleague’s toxic behaviour had pushed her to the point of overwhelm and exhaustion.
She was three weeks into her sessions with me, feeling much more relaxed, her mind was in a much better place and for the first time, able to stand back and see how her colleague’s continuous bullying and inappropriate behaviour had caused her so much anxiety.
For over six months she had endured unfounded comments of her inability to fulfil her role. Even though she had been in the senior management team for three years and had a great performance record; she started to second guess everything she did and worry she would get something wrong and lose her job.
She said to me – ‘it was like I was gas lighting myself, ignoring myself and making his dreadful treatment of me, my fault. I just didn’t see it at the time! I thought I was just trying to be strong, get on with it, so ignored all the warning signs my body was giving me.
The word gaslighting comes from a 1944 film where a man slowly undermines his wife’s mental stability through constantly criticising her and, doing things like moving a painting on the wall and insisting she had done it. Over time she doubted her sanity and had a breakdown.
You can gaslight another person but you can also do it to yourselves when you:
- Always assume it’s you in the wrong
- Are super hard on yourself e.g. have a non-stop critical inner voice
- Minimise your feelings and give yourself a hard time when you feel emotional and upset
- Make light of the situation you’re in or what the other person has done, or even believe you deserve the offhand or rude treatment!
- Second guess any decisions you need to make
- Question your memory of events and stop trusting your instincts
- Compare yourself to others and say well it’s not as bad as……
I see many examples like this when a client first comes to me tired and at that point of, ‘something has to change.’ Their rooted belief that the show must go on, no matter what has cost them dearly because over the years, at work or home, they’ve put up with toxic people and situations that have undermined their confidence and faith.
Trying to be strong and carry on causes high anxiety which wears them down, physically and emotionally. The person goes into survival mode which sends them into a reactive state, rather than being awake to what is really happening.
When a person acts in an unkind way, it’s natural to feel emotions like anger, confusion and anxiety. Those feelings are a natural feedback mechanism to alert you to something that feels like a threat or wrong in your environment. So, you can do something about it, manage, challenge or escape it. If emotions are such an important guidance system, why do people so often ignore it?
In my experience it often comes down to one of the following:
- Fear of upsetting someone or causing a fuss
- Not used to understanding their emotions or voicing their feelings and thoughts. This is often learnt during childhood when a family don’t discuss negative emotions. They may have been told not to cry, that they were too sensitive and always overreact.
- Had a lot of worry as a youngster, for example in households where the child may have been reasonably well treated on the surface but there was a lot of adult arguments which caused anxiety
- Having a controlling or bullying care giver/parent
We can all gaslight ourselves at times, the main problems occur when it goes on long-term. Ignoring the anxiety caused by difficult people or unpredictable situations can cause exhaustion and a muddled mind.
And yes, it can happen to anyone because sometimes it’s very subtle. Toxic behaviour doesn’t have to be obviously dreadful, just the odd consistent comments, that makes a person feel unsafe and on edge can be enough to unsettle someone.
Outside of working environments, I’ve seen clients who’ve put up with years of this from a parent or partner and have just kept trying to solider on through the self-doubt, anxiety and uncertain times.
But ignoring all the signs of long-term tiredness and anxiety has consequences.
The fall out can vary from more serious conditions like burn out, autoimmune disorders, and other illnesses; through to constantly feeling out of sorts emotionally and physically. I have heard people describe it as always feeling on the back foot because their mind over thinks and replays every encounter or situation. Yet, they carry on regardless.
If you recognise yourself in any of the above – what can you do to move to act in a way that supports you?
In my experience there are four steps to recovery but depending on the reasons for finding yourself in this place – recovery can take a few weeks or months and months. For example, someone who has been generally strong and resilient yet able to call it when they need to take action to change a situation, may have experienced a one-off event that has stopped this alignment. That is going to be easy to treat compared to someone who has low self-esteem, imposter syndrome or other negative beliefs that perpetually cause them to behave in a misaligned way.
That said these are the four steps:
- The first and most important step is to recognise what is happening, admit to yourself the truth of where you’re overriding your body’s need for rest and recovery. Ask yourself where are you putting up with toxic behaviour? Where are you forcing yourself to be strong and keep going when the relationship or situation is toxic? This can be a tough call as you may have spent ages ignoring it and trying to make things ok.
- When you’ve been perpetually in an under resourced state, your tanks need topping up. That might be time out to rest, doing something that you know really feeds you. From walking out in nature, early nights, exercise, yoga, breath work – just whatever helps you to feel a bit of relief.
- Take time to look at what’s happening and work out how you can start to behave in a way that supports you not depletes you. What do you need to do so you have your back?
- Take action. Do you need to reach out to someone at work? Get some professional support? Would it benefit you to be clear about not being available to a relative or voice how things are going to be different going forward?
One point to note is if you think of the person or situation causing you to keep going no matter what and feel a high level of anxiety just by thinking about it – you probably could do with some external help to shift the associations your mind has laid down. Someone good at EFT is always a good starting point.
If this is a one-off situation you may be able to deal with this yourself but if it’s entrenched behaviours, I suggest that you seek external help to help your body recover its health, strip the trauma that underlies your belief system, build faith in yourself and learn how to decide, act and speak from a place of true integrity.
If you are considering getting some therapeutic and coaching support, you can book in a clarity call with me here.