Jilly WoottonYes, it’s a real thing, we can become addicted to feelings of stress produced from over working, always being on the go and the high emotion that comes with difficult situations. But it is rarely a conscious process.
The tendency to find yourself leaning towards these experiences often comes from early childhood programming and can cause exhaustion even burn out.
There are many other causes but anyone who had a childhood where life was full of ups and downs, anticipatory stress and chaotic parental relationships, can be particularly prone.
An example would be where some parents or care givers used illness, shame, guilt or drama to get attention. They may have treated the child as an adult and inappropriately burdened them with their problems and worries. Been emotionally unavailable, or, maybe there was a lot of arguments in the house or very high expectations placed on the child. All of which can create connection but cause stress in the child.
Adults that have had this type of early programming might unwittingly force them to seek the familiar patterns of the past to get a sense of connection, attention or simply to feel more alive, because that’s what they have always been used to.
Traits like perfectionism, low self esteem, a history of trauma, and beliefs that bind self worth to stress can add to the list of potential causes. As well as a lack of resourceful coping skills when life throws a curve ball.
Feeling stressed is a normal reaction to something that is recognised as dangerous. The chemical cocktail produced during stressful situations gets you ready for fight or flight and so changes the way that you feel. And anything that changes the way you feel can become addictive.
As well as cortisol, there are the motivational, feel good, reward neurotransmitters of dopamine and serotonin. A hit of these chemicals can strengthen the bind to habits that ignore your long term well being.
The problem is although this equips you to act spontaneously and feel an immediate boost of invincibility or confidence. It eventually leads to exhaustion and relationships based on cycles of toxic unfulfilling behaviours.
The resulting feeling that there is something missing and nothing quite fills that hole.
Clients caught in this cycle often talk about how time on their own, meditation and peaceful moments, feel uncomfortable as they find it hard to relax. The trick is to cultivate looking after yourself, develop a strong self awareness of when you are caught up in the old habits. And this gives you chance to develop true heart based connections and act in your best interests.
You can begin now by asking yourself are you always the person to say yes, I’ll do it? Even though it validates your self worth but neglects your well being? Do you find it hard to switch off and relax. Do you feel restless and bored when not super busy?
The very fact you’re reading this is a powerful step forward because awareness is always the first step in living your life free of old unhelpful patterns and follow these three steps.
These helpful steps are:
- Recognise when you are seeking out the drama – could be that you subconsciously provoke others, create a mountain out of a molehill or always seem to be caught in a stressful situation with others. Do you over extend yourself making sure everyone else is ok? Recognising these times then gives you a choice to act differently.
- When you spot these behaviours, reflect on why you might be seeking to gain from the situation. Often it is approval, validation or connection. And ask yourself how those needs could be met in a healthier way or, is it simply you finding ways to shift your beliefs so that you feel enough so don’t feel drawn to those behaviours.
- Rewrite your neurological response pathways by learning to be comfortable with feeling a bit bored, it’s ok to feel relaxed when you’re working, having a walk or cooking. And it is also healthy to become accustomed to feeling comfortable making choices that support your well being. When you first start to do this it will feel uncomfortable but the more you do it the more your brain will rewire that as the norm.