When Resilience Becomes Self-Gaslighting

If you’ve always been told you’re the strong one, the resilient one, the one who always seems to cope no matter what, then there’s a chance you’ve become used to ignoring or minimising the way you feel.

• You get on with things.
• You push through.
• You find a way.

And, to be fair, there are times in life when that’s exactly what we need to do. Life isn’t always straightforward. There are periods when work is demanding, family needs more from us, relationships become complicated or we’re simply navigating one of those seasons where everything seems to arrive at once.

The trouble is that sometimes we become so good at coping that we stop noticing the cost.

You might look fine from the outside. In fact, other people might admire how much you manage. Yet underneath, there can be an exhaustion from managing a lot. A feeling that something isn’t quite right, even though you can’t always put your finger on what it is.

And when those feelings do appear, rather than listening to them, you explain them away.

• “It’s not that bad.”
• “I’m probably overreacting.”
• “I should be over this by now.”
• “They didn’t mean it.”

Sound familiar?

If so, you may be experiencing something that is becoming increasingly recognised as self-gaslighting.

What is self gas lighting?

Most people are familiar with the term gaslighting. Traditionally, it describes a situation where one person manipulates another into doubting their own perceptions, memories or reality. Over time, the person begins to question what they know to be true.

Self-gaslighting works in a similar way, except the voice doing the doubting has become your own.

Instead of trusting your instincts, you second-guess them.

Instead of paying attention to your emotions, you dismiss them.

If something upset you, you tell yourself it shouldn’t have.

I see it all the time in my clients.

They’ll tell me about a workplace where they’re constantly anxious, walking on eggshells around a particular colleague or manager. As they’re describing what’s happening, it’s obvious that something feels uncomfortable, intimidating or unfair. Yet almost immediately they’ll follow it up with, “But they’re under a lot of pressure,” or “It’s probably me being too sensitive.”

Or they’ll describe a relationship where they repeatedly feel hurt, disappointed or unseen. Yet somehow the conversation in their head kept circling back to what they could have done differently.

It’s as though they’ve become experts in understanding everybody else’s behaviour whilst losing trust in their own experience.

Causes of self gaslighting

One of the reasons this happens is because many of us have been taught, either directly or indirectly, that certain emotions are inconvenient.

Not necessarily because we had bad parents.

In fact, quite often the opposite is true.

Sometimes parents are loving, caring people who simply don’t know what to do with big emotions. They may bring anxiety and subconscious shutting down of the Childs feelings.

So, a child comes home upset and they hear, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine,” or “Try not to think about it.”

For some adults, those big emotions are interpreted as the child trying to get attention away from the adult so the conversation soon becomes about the parent. The Childs needs get brushed aside.

So a child in either situation can learn is that difficult emotions should be moved past as quickly as possible. Or, simply to be stuffed away for fear of upsetting an adult.

Other people grow up being praised for being easy-going, mature or independent. They become the child who doesn’t make a fuss, who doesn’t ask for much, who copes.

Again, these qualities seem positive on the surface.

Until adulthood arrives and they realise they’re brilliant at looking after everybody else but struggle to recognise what they need themselves.

Then there are those who have experienced toxic relationships or environments where their reality genuinely was questioned. Over time, they learned that trusting themselves felt risky. Doubting themselves felt safer.

Whatever the origin of self gaslighting, the result is often the same.

A loss of self-trust.

And when self-trust starts to disappear, all sorts of things can happen.

• You stay in jobs that no longer feel aligned.
• You remain in friendships that leave you drained.
• You tolerate behaviour that doesn’t sit right with you.
• You keep pushing through exhaustion because everybody else seems to think you’re doing brilliantly.

Meanwhile, your body continues trying to get your attention.

• Through anxiety.
• Through tension.
• Through irritability.
• Through that nagging feeling that something needs to change.

One of the things I often say is that emotions are not the problem. More often than not, they’re information.

They’re part of our guidance system.

They help us recognise when something matters, when a boundary has been crossed, when we’re moving too far away from ourselves, or when a situation no longer fits who we are.

When we continually dismiss those signals, life can start to feel confusing. We become disconnected from our instincts and end up relying entirely on the outside world to tell us whether we’re okay.

That isn’t resilience.

At least not the kind of resilience I’m interested in.

Real resilience isn’t about pretending everything is fine.

It isn’t about pushing through at all costs.

It’s about staying connected to yourself whilst navigating life’s challenges.

It’s knowing that you’re entering a busy season and asking yourself what support you need.

It’s recognising you’re exhausted and allowing yourself an early night rather than another hour at the laptop. Being brave and cancelling the weekend plans to have a rest.

It’s noticing that something doesn’t feel right in a relationship and being willing to explore why or take those tough actions.

So what can you do if you recognise yourself in some of this?

1. The first thing is to stop giving yourself a hard time for how you’ve been. If you’ve spent years minimising your feelings, blaming yourself or pushing emotions down, then chances are those behaviours developed for a reason. They were coping strategies. They kept you feeling safe, and helped you navigate a situation, a relationship or an environment. Be thankful to that younger you.
2. The second thing is to begin noticing when you’re minimising what you feel. Notice when you say, “It’s fine,” when it clearly isn’t. Notice when you rush to explain someone else’s behaviour before acknowledging your own reaction. Notice when you tell yourself you should be over something. Awareness is one of the most powerful first steps to change as it begins to create choice.
3. And finally, try a different question. Instead of asking: “Am I overreacting?” Ask. “What is it that I’m reacting to?” That small shift changes everything. One question dismisses your experience before you’ve even explored it. The other invites curiosity. And curiosity is often where self-trust begins to rebuild.

Underneath all of this isn’t a person who’s weak, needy or too sensitive.

More often than not, it’s someone who’s spent years learning to listen to everybody except themselves.

The good news is that self-trust can be rebuilt.

• One conversation.
• One boundary.
• One honest moment at a time.

And it often starts by being willing to listen to what you’ve been trying so hard not to hear.